>Overdue reflection. Thursday, June 6, 2013 @ 3:29 AM
So, it's about 2:40 as I'm writing this. What should I be doing? My assignment. Or assignments. I have 3 that I should do. One that was dues weeks ago, and two that are due on Friday. I can't bring myself to start them. I believe I'll end up not doing them today, but as much as I want to sleep, I just can't bring myself to go to sleep with this looming over my head. Even more so, I just don't seem to want to let myself sleep, even if I plan on getting up around 8 tomorrow. And really, I don't even need to go tomorrow, my tut isn't on, and I only have a lecture from 4-6, and all we're doing is revision. But well, because it's me, I still plan on going in the morning. Why? Because rather than stay at home and sleeping more or doing my assignment, I'd rather go and see Dom. I have no idea why I'm like this, I just am.
Another thing that's stopping me from sleeping is my mind. It seems to become overactive at night. For some reason, if I'm left to myself I start thinking too much, and I become unhappy really easily. At current my mood has dropped, not to a depressed level, my still low. I'm starting to regret things more, and become more hateful towards myself. I'm become paranoid or so many things, jealous, and even angry.
I've become regretful of the past. How did I screw things up so much? There were so many choices I probably shouldn't have made. Friends, family, relationships, and school. How did I do all that? I probably should have picked out my friends better, and treated some better. I should have tried more to talk to people. I probably should have tried to fix my family situation, or treat some of them better. I shouldn't have entered that relationship back then, it killed that friendship. Even that other one. I probably should have been less cruel. Maybe, because of that, I'm so afraid of becoming cold to the person I hold most dear right now. But those "relationships", if you can really call them that, weren't the greatest. I caused hurt to them and myself. And school. Why did I not try harder? Why did I give up at the crucial stage?
I do regret them and all, but at the same time, I have to wonder, if I didn't go through all that, would I have ended up where I am right now? Maybe I could have still, but I doubt so. Friends and family would be different, I'd have probably be at a different uni, and I would have had no experience in a relationship whatsoever. When I think about it like that, maybe I don't want it to change. I've ended up where I am now, and I love some aspects of it. This period now is probably the happiest I can remember, or it might even be the happiest I've ever been. I have pretty good friends, where I feel less loneliness than I used to in the past. That isn't to say though, that I feel no loneliness. I'm pretty sure it's a part of my personality to always feel lonely, even when I'm with Dom, or with a large group of friends. If I hadn't gone through my past relationship, I would probably mess up this one, or not even start this one, and I can't imagine that. I don't even want to imagine that. It's having this person with me, and my friends with me, that make my current situation better. That's probably why I still feel so happy despite the problems in my family, me not doing well in my units and yeah. I mean, I'm fine with my brother and sister, they're my siblings and I wouldn't trade them for anything, but it's terrible with my dad, and not so great with my mum. There are times when I just feel so miserable in this house, and with my family the way it is, no one really supports you emotionally. That's probably why I love my friends so much.
When it comes to uni, I am doing kind of bad. I'm pretty good at my core unit, COMP and so I'm happy but with my other ones, I'm not doing so great. I'm probably not going to literally fail those units but I'm not getting good marks I assume. I don't do that work, I don't study, or participate. But despite that, I'm still surviving somehow. It's my last week right now, and all I have to do is make it through the assignments, then finals and then I get a break. Speaking of which, I'm looking forward to the break, but at the same time I'm not. Why? Because I won't get to see Dom or my friends often. That's terrible because since I started uni I've been able to see Dom pretty much almost everyday. We both have 5 day timetables and so we usually see eachother in the day or we'll see eachother when he takes the bus back with me. It wasn't like this in the beginning though, cause we were just friends and so I didn't exactly see him every day. Yeah, so break will be bad because it'll be the longest time that we don't get to see eachother much. I mean, we did have a 2 week break between the session where I didn't see him at all but this will be longer. Yeah so I don't know what's gonna happen.
Also, this is abrupt but I should go to sleep now. Kinda really sleepy, and getting up at about 8-9 tomorrow. And I'm likely not to do any work today so I'll have to pull an all-nighter tomorrow :/ So, off to sleep now~ Bye bye~
Another thing that's stopping me from sleeping is my mind. It seems to become overactive at night. For some reason, if I'm left to myself I start thinking too much, and I become unhappy really easily. At current my mood has dropped, not to a depressed level, my still low. I'm starting to regret things more, and become more hateful towards myself. I'm become paranoid or so many things, jealous, and even angry.
I've become regretful of the past. How did I screw things up so much? There were so many choices I probably shouldn't have made. Friends, family, relationships, and school. How did I do all that? I probably should have picked out my friends better, and treated some better. I should have tried more to talk to people. I probably should have tried to fix my family situation, or treat some of them better. I shouldn't have entered that relationship back then, it killed that friendship. Even that other one. I probably should have been less cruel. Maybe, because of that, I'm so afraid of becoming cold to the person I hold most dear right now. But those "relationships", if you can really call them that, weren't the greatest. I caused hurt to them and myself. And school. Why did I not try harder? Why did I give up at the crucial stage?
I do regret them and all, but at the same time, I have to wonder, if I didn't go through all that, would I have ended up where I am right now? Maybe I could have still, but I doubt so. Friends and family would be different, I'd have probably be at a different uni, and I would have had no experience in a relationship whatsoever. When I think about it like that, maybe I don't want it to change. I've ended up where I am now, and I love some aspects of it. This period now is probably the happiest I can remember, or it might even be the happiest I've ever been. I have pretty good friends, where I feel less loneliness than I used to in the past. That isn't to say though, that I feel no loneliness. I'm pretty sure it's a part of my personality to always feel lonely, even when I'm with Dom, or with a large group of friends. If I hadn't gone through my past relationship, I would probably mess up this one, or not even start this one, and I can't imagine that. I don't even want to imagine that. It's having this person with me, and my friends with me, that make my current situation better. That's probably why I still feel so happy despite the problems in my family, me not doing well in my units and yeah. I mean, I'm fine with my brother and sister, they're my siblings and I wouldn't trade them for anything, but it's terrible with my dad, and not so great with my mum. There are times when I just feel so miserable in this house, and with my family the way it is, no one really supports you emotionally. That's probably why I love my friends so much.
When it comes to uni, I am doing kind of bad. I'm pretty good at my core unit, COMP and so I'm happy but with my other ones, I'm not doing so great. I'm probably not going to literally fail those units but I'm not getting good marks I assume. I don't do that work, I don't study, or participate. But despite that, I'm still surviving somehow. It's my last week right now, and all I have to do is make it through the assignments, then finals and then I get a break. Speaking of which, I'm looking forward to the break, but at the same time I'm not. Why? Because I won't get to see Dom or my friends often. That's terrible because since I started uni I've been able to see Dom pretty much almost everyday. We both have 5 day timetables and so we usually see eachother in the day or we'll see eachother when he takes the bus back with me. It wasn't like this in the beginning though, cause we were just friends and so I didn't exactly see him every day. Yeah, so break will be bad because it'll be the longest time that we don't get to see eachother much. I mean, we did have a 2 week break between the session where I didn't see him at all but this will be longer. Yeah so I don't know what's gonna happen.
Also, this is abrupt but I should go to sleep now. Kinda really sleepy, and getting up at about 8-9 tomorrow. And I'm likely not to do any work today so I'll have to pull an all-nighter tomorrow :/ So, off to sleep now~ Bye bye~